It's not that easy

       As I sit here looking at the picture above, I feel overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by excitement, anticipation, fear, questions, the unknown, confusion, etc. On our walk with infertility we have heard it all. Although, I know everyone means well, they don't understand. It's not that easy. I've heard things like "You should try IVF" or "You should adopt". I've even heard "Enjoy the child God has already given you" and "Just stop trying so hard and let it happen in God's timing". Those are all legitimate answers to give someone that's struggling to conceive but we all have to remember, it's not that easy. Every infertility journey is unique on it's own and the struggle is different for everyone. None of it is easy but we're all on the same journey together. Some women have decided IVF or medications is the answer God has for them. Some women have decided that adoption is the way God wants them to go. Then some have decided to just wait on God's timing and seek the natural approach to conceive. All of these require faith and lots of strength.

       I've watched many different women on their journey and each individual story is so inspiring. I knew that God had a plan all along, I was just too overcome with grief to see the big picture. It never crossed my mind that God's plan was for us to adopt again. This journey has been so hard. Some may think that just because we've decided to adopt, everything is going to be ok now. That everything from here on out will be easy. It hasn't been and I'm sure it won't be. At first, I was so excited that I didn't even stop to think about how difficult this experience might be. There are so many ways you can go about it and at times I get overwhelmed by it all. 

       We can either foster to adopt or we can go through an agency. If we were to go the route of fostering to adopt, we might not be able to keep the baby. There's always the possibility of reunification with the mother. I think it's wonderful when babies get reunified with their birth mother but I don't know if my tender heart could handle something like that right now. I get attached very easily and I'm not sure if I would be able to go through with something like that. The other route we can go could be very expensive. If we went through an agency it could cost us up to $50,000 at the high end. We also want to do what God wants us to do and want every step to be God ordained. Just looking at that huge cost is overwhelming to me. We have to remind ourselves daily that whatever God wants, He will provide the resources and finances we need. I say all that to show you, it's not that easy. I want to encourage those that are on this journey with us. Whether you're waiting for a divine healing from God, waiting to adopt or going through IVF; God is with you. He is faithful and if He's told you to do something, He will provide every need and every desire. Please don't let the costs or the unknown hold you back from what God has called you to do. Step out in faith and remain obedient to Him. I am praying for you and with you today. I'm believing God to provide supernaturally for your family. I'm coming in agreement, that God will answer your prayers and give you the desires of your heart. 

       Please continue to pray that God would give us guidance and that we would be obedient every step of the way. If God is leading you to donate towards our adoption, thank you! Please know that every $1 counts! God sees your sacrificial gift and He will reward you greatly. More than anything we covet your prayers! Prayers for provision, guidance, peace and rest through this process. We love you all so much and appreciate all the support you've given along the way! We will keep everyone updated as we continue this journey toward adoption. 

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Why we decided to adopt again

      In 2009, just a year into our marriage God gave us the wonderful opportunity to adopt our son Cole. We were so full of excitement but at the same time so scared! We knew that God was calling us to adopt and decided to step out in faith and obedience. Here we are 7 years later and taking that leap of faith once again. God sure is full of lots of surprises! To be honest, I never really thought about adopting again until we were faced with the obstacle of PCOS and infertility. 
       Although we are still believing God for birth children, we just know beyond a shadow of a doubt; that this is what God has called us to do. The road of infertility hasn't been an easy one. Infertility is something you never expect to happen and neither is it something we ever want anyone else to face. It's a nightmare. It had always been our dream to have a big family and when my body wasn't able to reproduce, I felt like a failure. I felt broken and useless. My life felt meaningless. I wanted so bad for Cole to grow up with siblings and to be a big brother. 
       On October 28th I was on my way to the church when God spoke so clearly to me. He said, "What if it was my plan all along for you to adopt?" I said, "Ok God. If that's what you want, I want what you want." I was so excited to get to the church and tell Josh the good news. As soon as I asked him if he ever felt led to adopt again he said "I've always had a heart for adoption". We were both so excited!! I knew this was a God thing because I had never felt so much peace and joy in my entire life! I confronted Cole about it as well because I've always worried about him feeling less important and wanted him to be on board as well. He told us that he would love that and was so excited! He says he wants a little sister. This filled my heart with so much peace. I don't know the joy that women experience when finding out you're pregnant, but I'm pretty sure I was just as excited as a pregnant lady! haha For the next few days God kept confirming it over and over again through sermons, songs, etc. 
       To some, it may seem like we've given up on becoming pregnant but it's not like that at all. We have surrendered to the will of God. Gods plan is always greater than our own. We don't always understand what He's doing but that's where faith comes in. For years I had been seeing movies, hearing stories and having people suggest adoption. I was so opposed to it because I didn't want it to seem like I was giving up hope for pregnancy and I also wanted to experience the joys of being pregnant. It hurt and still hurts sometimes to see pregnant women but I know that no matter what, God has a plan for me. It doesn't matter whether a child has grown in your own belly or in the belly of another woman. They are still your child. God sent him to me. It is my calling to be his mother. I love Cole so much! There is no greater honor than being his mom. I feel so loved by God. Cole has helped me through so much over the years. He was there for me through all the highs and lows. There were times when I would get so sad about not being pregnant. Cole would say "Mommy, do you want a hug?" or "Mom, it will be ok". 
       For years now we've been praying about God's plan to grow our family. We looked into IVF, I took Metformin, tried different diets, natural remedies, etc. Honestly, adoption was the last thing on my mind. I wanted so bad to experience pregnancy, that I totally ignored the fact that God was calling us to adopt again. Let's just say, I was being stubborn. Stubbornness is NOT faith. When we refuse to listen to God's voice, that is stubbornness. Thank God I finally surrendered to His perfect plan. We are just as nervous as we were when we adopted Cole, but we know that God is in control. If God calls you to do something, He's not gonna leave you hanging. He's going to provide every step of the way. We are asking that you please pray for us and support us financially in any way that you are able. The adoption process is going to cost somewhere around $30,000 or more. We appreciate ya'll joining us on this exciting journey ahead! We'll keep you updated through this blog and facebook. We are doing a t-shirt campaign to raise money for the adoption. You can go to the link below and purchase a t-shirt. Thank you so much! 

Is faith what you thought it was?

       I've been pondering a lot lately on what faith is. I used to think that faith was quoting scripture over and over again until you're blue in the face. Although faith requires speaking God's word, that isn't faith. To me, faith is stepping into the unknown. Faith is trusting that God has a plan and a purpose for your life, no matter what lies ahead. Faith is obedience to the call He's placed on your life. 
       I don't know about you, but sometimes I can be stubborn. I want things now and I want them my way. Unfortunately, life isn't like Burger King and we can't have it our way. Sometimes God will show you something in your future and you automatically assume that it's going to happen tomorrow. This is not always the case. In fact, it's most likely never the case. God wants to check our motives before he answers our prayers. He also answers our prayers in ways that we don't expect and in His perfect timing. 
       Faith requires complete abandonment of self. It takes a lot of courage to step into unknown territory. To me, that's what faith is. It's when we get our eyes off of Jesus, that we tend to lose our way. When Peter began to walk on the water, he had his eyes focused on Jesus. As soon as He lost focus, he began to sink. This is what happens when our "faith" becomes about us. We lose focus on what truly matters and begin to sink in fear. Fear of being rejected by God or fear of never attaining the things that God has promised us. Our faith eventually becomes our fear. 
      What is God teaching you about faith? What does faith look like in your eyes? If God is calling you to something greater than what you had planned, don't let fear hold you back! Keep your eyes on Jesus and pursue every plan that He has for your life. Don't be stubborn like me. Submit your plans to the Lord and you WILL succeed. Ask Him what He wants from you. What is He trying to show you as you wait on the promise? Be open to what God wants to do in your life. Don't be so close minded that you completely miss out on what God wants to do. Stop trying to make things happen. Trust in Him. He will never steer you wrong. He knows what He's doing. Take that leap of faith today and step into the unknown. You never know what God could do, as you obey His call on your life. 

       

He is the pen and I am the paper

       

       

Have you ever made plans and they just didn't go the way you thought they would? I know I have. My whole life I wanted to have a big family. That was always a dream of mine. I always desired to experience the miracle of pregnancy and a big family. Even as a little girl I would day dream about finding my Prince and spending forever with him. I think almost every little girl has that dream. The thing is, God placed those dreams inside of you and it's all in His perfect plan. You wouldn't have those desires if God hadn't put them there to begin with. The thing we have to remember is that it's all in His perfect timing and it's all in His perfect plan. God has a far bigger plan for us. What we think is amazing is nothing compared to what God wants to do in us and through us. He has HUGE plans! For a long time now I've been trying to figure out that plan. God is teaching me to trust "His" plan and to stop trying to figure it all out. He's good, He's faithful and He will finish the work He began. I'm done with trying to figure everything out. He's teaching me to trust. He's teaching me that He is good, even when things don't go as planned. I don't know what you're going through or what you've been through, but I do know God is faithful. He hasn't left you, His plans haven't changed and His word never changes. He is good, even when we don't understand. He will finish the work He began in your life! 

       A few years after Cole was adopted, I desired to give him a brother or sister. I wanted so bad for him to have a sibling to grow up with. It broke my heart when I couldn't give that to him. I wanted so bad for him to experience hearing and feeling a baby kick inside my womb. I just knew deep down inside he would make an amazing big brother. I would watch him with younger children and saw how good he was with them. He had such a gentleness about him, when surrounded by younger children. Seeing other siblings together and the bond they shared, broke my heart. I longed for Cole to experience that deep bond with a younger sibling. I still hold onto that hope to this day. Has the devil tried to steal that hope? He sure did. But as God's word says, I got back up. It may not happen in the way or the timing I expect it to, but I just know it will happen. I have faith in God's faithfulness and perfect timing. 

       God has taught me over the past few months to trust the process. God knows what He's doing. He has everything thought out. HE is the author of my story, not me. He is the pen and I am the paper. He is perfect in all of His ways. Proverbs 19:21 says "You can make many plans, but the LORD's purpose will prevail." There's a chorus to a song that is dear to my heart. This song has brought me through many painful seasons. It says"Your plans are still to prosper, you have not forgotten us. You're with us in the fire and the flood. Faithful forever, perfect in love. You are Sovereign over us." God is still good, no matter the outcome. He's still the King of Kings, no matter what I face. He never changes and His word never changes. If He's promised you something, He will fulfill it. Don't give up. Will He answer it in the time you expect? Nope. Will He answer it in the ways you expect? Nope. No matter what this journey throws at you remember, He is faithful. Keep your eyes straight ahead. Don't look to the right, don't look to the left and most certainly don't look behind you. Keep your eyes upon the Lord and your faith firmly planted upon His word. 

My Best Friend Forever

       

        What is a best friend? Is it the person you hang out with the most? Is it the person you act silly with, share your secrets with or eat junk food with while you cry? I used to think that's what a best friend was until I met this man named Jesus. My whole world was forever changed on the day we met. Have I walked away from Him at times? Of course. Did I fail Him? Sure did. Did that change our friendship? NO! God is faithful, forever chasing after our lonely and broken hearts. 

        My husband and I are very close but there are some things that He just can't do for me. He can't heal the brokenness of my past. He can't forgive my sins and wipe them all away. So in all reality, my husband can't be my best friend. Neither can my mom. She's another one that I've been very close to. Can she comfort me when my heart is longing to hold a baby in my arms? No. She can try and it helps at times; but NO ONE can love me and comfort like Jesus can. He is truly my friend forever! He holds me when I'm falling apart. He comforts me when I'm full of sorrow. He strengthens me when I'm weak. He gets me. When He looks at me He doesn't see a big mess. He sees potential. He sees something in me that no one else could ever see. He has seen me at my worst. He has seen me at my weakest. He looks past my outer shell and looks deep inside my wounded heart. He sees the past the smile plastered on my face. He sees the tears as I cry myself to sleep at night. When I'm full of anxiety and fear, He sees a warrior within me fighting to be released. He has brought me through many dark valleys. Valleys that weren't necessarily created by me. Valleys of darkness from my past, valleys of discouragement, valleys of hopelessness, valleys of defeat, valleys of addiction, and valleys of fear.  He is my joy in the midst of the valley. 

       There have been times where there was not one ounce of joy inside of my heart but I knew that God was with me and it gave me such peace. Music has been a huge outlet for me. There have been times where all I could do was lay in the bed and listen to worship music. There is so much healing in music. God speaks to me through music, even through music that have no lyrics. It reaches into the depths of your soul and pulls something so beautiful out of you. I've learned that there is beauty in the brokenness. There is joy in the valley. His friendship and joy is why I'm still here. Without Him, I am nothing. My life has no meaning apart from Christ. He is everything to me. I don't EVER want to go back to how it used to be; without Him. I don't ever want to experience a life apart from Him! Without Him there is a hole in my heart. He is the missing puzzle piece. I couldn't live this life without Him. I'm so thankful for His never-ending love and mercy that is constantly chasing me down. I've experienced so much pain and rejection over the years, but I've never felt more accepted in my life. I am a friend of God! I am His child. I am a daughter of the King. I am royalty. I am His beloved. He is my friend forever. He'll never leave me and never has. He is so faithful! 

       When you finally find a friend like Jesus, you realize how much you've been missing. He's a friend FOREVER. He's with me for ALL eternity. When things get tough, He won't just walk away and give up on me. You know what? I'm thankful for rejection. Rejection is what pushed me closer to Jesus. It taught me how to run into His loving arms. I don't ever have to worry about impressing Him. He loves me just as I am. He counts nothing against me. He doesn't even remember my past life. To Him it's as though my past has never existed. That right there is a true friend!

       So, let God be your best friend. Run into His safe arms. Let Him love every piece of you. Give Him every mistake, every failure, ever flaw. He WANTS you. He wanted you long before you were ever born. He is faithful and will NEVER let you down. Stop running to the friendship of the world and run into a friendship with Jesus Christ. HE is your friend FOREVER!