God's pursuit of me is enough

     I have never felt more loved by God than I do right now. His love for me is so great! His love is unfailing and relentless. He's not once stopped pursuing me. He was there my whole life just waiting on me to surrender completely to His love. He is slowly healing every broken area of my life. He's putting the broken pieces back together again and creating something new in my life! My heart is overflowing with thankfulness. I am so in love with God! All I want to do is know Him more and live my life to please Him in every way possible. I want to pursue Him the way He has pursued me. 

     For the longest time I chased after the approval of the world. I chased things that never satisfied the longing in my soul. I tried to fill my broken heart up with things that only left me empty and longing for more. They satisfied for a moment but ultimately led me to shame and bondage. I wasted so much time trying to win the approval of others, when all along God had already approved of my worth and being. 

     God created us all with the desire to be pursued. We all want to feel loved and accepted. We all want to feel like we have a purpose in this world. We all desire to be wanted by someone. The thing we have to realize is that God's pursuit of us is enough. We don't need a man or woman to pursue us. God's love should be enough. God's thoughts toward us should be enough. What He thinks of us is far more important than what others think or say about us. He's the one that created us. He knows us, every single thing! He knows our fears, he knows our desires, he knows our needs, he knows us! The creator knows you and loves everything about you. He placed those gifts inside of you. He placed those desires and dreams inside of you. He knows your weaknesses and he knows when you feel like a failure. He knows you and yet He still chooses to love you and pursue you! 

     

The 3 gifts from God. "Life, Love and Family"

     God opened my eyes recently to a new revelation. I have made the diagnosis of infertility my "god". I got so caught up in wanting more children that I forgot all about what God wanted for me. I made all of "my" plans a long time ago and I set them in stone. I didn't once stop to think about what God wanted for my life. God has already gifted me with a wonderful husband and son. I neglected those gifts and almost lost them.

     That first gift is my husband. He is the spitting image of God. His love is enduring, he's patient, he's kind, he's a protector, a provider, he's humble and gentle. He puts others needs before his own, he listens, he's forgiving of even the deepest sin, and he's passionate about God and ministry. He's everything a woman could ever want or need in a husband. There are women that would give everything to have a man like him. Not only does he have all of these awesome attributes, he's also extremely handsome. His smile and laugh lights up the room. He's not afraid to be himself. He makes you laugh at his corny jokes; even though I might not always understand them. LOL He's incredibly amazing in every way! He is my rock. He is my best friend. No matter what storms may blow our way, he refuses to be shaken or moved. Forgive me Lord for neglecting such a HUGE gift in my life. 

     My second gift is Cole, my son. He may not have come from my womb, but he is mine. God entrusted him to me. He is my sunshine. My blue haired, passionate, opinionated, stubborn at times but also loving and giving at times; amazing son. God knew I needed him in my life and He knew Cole needed a family. Before the foundations of the world, He had this in His plans. I haven't been the best mother in the world. I got so caught up in wanting more children that I neglected my son; my gift. He craves love and attention. He gives what he craves as well. Cole has always been concerned when I was hurting. I remember times when I would curl up in the fetal position in my bed sobbing uncontrollably. Cole would ask if I was alright. Whenever he sees I'm sad, he reaches out to hug me and says "Mom, do you need a hug?". Many times due to issues from my past, I refused his hugs and pushed him away. He's always been so extremely giving to others. If he sees a need, he seeks to fulfill that need. I remember times in the past when we were struggling financially and Cole would overhear us talking. He would offer to give us what little he had to help out. No child should ever have to worry about helping financially in any way, but Cole did because he cared. He has a very compassionate and giving heart. He gets excited about giving back to God through tithes and offerings. Cole has been through more in his life than any child should ever have to go through. He's lost a lot in his 12 years of life. He was placed with his Aunt when he was around 2 years old because his biological mother wasn't able to take care of him. After being placed with his Aunt, we were confronted about taking him in and raising him as our own. We jumped on the chance to be able to help a child in need and had always considered adoption as a part of God's plan for us. It's been a wild ride with him. He brings so much energy to our lives; sometimes draining the little energy we have left from this crazy world we live in. I wouldn't trade Cole for anything in this world. He is one of many angels in my life. 

     Father, forgive me for neglecting the gift of family. Forgive me for neglecting their love. You have shown me more love and grace through them, than I've ever deserved to experience in my life. Forgive me for not being the Mom and Wife that you've called me to be. Forgive me for placing my needs before theirs. I will never neglect these precious gifts another day in my life. I vow right now to be all you have called me to be. I vow to stand up and be the woman of God you have always destined me to be. I vow to love them deeply; to be patient and kind with them. I vow to put their needs before mine and to make my home a place of refuge and restoration. I vow to seek your will first in ALL things. If it's your will for me to be a mom to just Cole, I vow to be that. If it's in your will for me to have a career in something, I will follow your voice. Wherever you lead me, I will follow. Show me your will Lord.

     I have missed out on 9, almost 10 years of blessings that were right in front of me the whole time. There is so much that I regret but I know that God would want me to move forward; forgetting what is behind and pressing toward the goal of heaven. Thank you Lord for loving me all these years and using my family to show me grace and mercy. Keep my eyes and heart focused on you God. Keep my ears in tune to your voice. Create in me a clean heart and help me to walk in newness of life everyday of my life. Restore what the enemy stole from me over the last 9 years. Revive the passions that once lived and thrived in my life. Anoint me with your Holy Spirit and set me on fire for you. Give me a hunger for your word, a longing for your presence and a heart for lost souls. Thank you for the gift of life, love and family! 

ROAR with Resilience!!

     To be honest, right now I'm very very broken within. On the outside I'm smiling through the tears deep within. I don't know how much more my fragile heart can take. Usually I do fairly well with this road of infertility. This month and a few months ago was very different. You may be asking, what makes it so different from all the other months? Well, I went without my cycle for 8 days. My body mimicking almost all symptoms of pregnancy. I got kind of excited for a few days. I was hopeful. I thought to myself, maybe just maybe this month was the month for our miracle. Only to wind up disappointed as I started my first day. All that's within me screams "Give up!!" but then there's that still small voice that encourages me to move forward and keep hoping. On Friday when I had gone 5 days late I broke down and screamed at God. "I can't do this anymore!!" I can't stand being tortured anymore and teased by the devil. Every time,  I tell myself that it will get easier but it never does. Infertility never gets easier to face but my faith does get stronger. I know who God is and what He is capable of. He's the God of miracles. He's the God of the impossible! Life in and of itself is a miracle. The fact that I am living and breathing is a miracle. If you've never experienced infertility, you wouldn't understand the picture above. That picture is a perfect example of what we face each passing month. There were months where I've found myself curled up in the fetal position yelling at God. Times when I would shut everyone out. Times of pleading with God. Begging Him to give me what He had promised us. Times of jealousy and anger toward other pregnant women. Times where I couldn't even stand to be around a pregnant woman or see them out in public. Times where I spent days laying in my bed sobbing from the grief of another negative pregnancy test. And then there were times where I accepted Gods timing and have been at peace with Him. It's an emotional rollercoaster that's for sure. Just when you decide you're ok with His plan, you get shook to the core once again. I always tells myself that I'm not sure how much more I can take. Yet, I still get up and keep trying. That's what Faith is. Faith is resilient. Faith doesn't dig a grave, throw itself in it and bury it. Faith keeps rising above the powerful waves crashing all around. Faith picks itself back up again and moves forward. 

So, to the couple still struggling with infertility. Don't let it define who you are. Just because you struggle with something, doesn't mean you have to take ownership of it. You are NOT infertile. You are NOT a failure. You are NOT going to give up! You WILL see the goodness of God in the land of the living. You WILL overcome infertility. You ARE fertile in Jesus name! You ARE blessed in your womb. Never give up and never back down! Rise up mighty warrior and ROAR! You are powerful and the power that lies within you is powerful over the enemy of infertility! You WILL overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the words of your testimony. Keep fighting mighty warrior! 

It's not that easy

       As I sit here looking at the picture above, I feel overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by excitement, anticipation, fear, questions, the unknown, confusion, etc. On our walk with infertility we have heard it all. Although, I know everyone means well, they don't understand. It's not that easy. I've heard things like "You should try IVF" or "You should adopt". I've even heard "Enjoy the child God has already given you" and "Just stop trying so hard and let it happen in God's timing". Those are all legitimate answers to give someone that's struggling to conceive but we all have to remember, it's not that easy. Every infertility journey is unique on it's own and the struggle is different for everyone. None of it is easy but we're all on the same journey together. Some women have decided IVF or medications is the answer God has for them. Some women have decided that adoption is the way God wants them to go. Then some have decided to just wait on God's timing and seek the natural approach to conceive. All of these require faith and lots of strength.

       I've watched many different women on their journey and each individual story is so inspiring. I knew that God had a plan all along, I was just too overcome with grief to see the big picture. It never crossed my mind that God's plan was for us to adopt again. This journey has been so hard. Some may think that just because we've decided to adopt, everything is going to be ok now. That everything from here on out will be easy. It hasn't been and I'm sure it won't be. At first, I was so excited that I didn't even stop to think about how difficult this experience might be. There are so many ways you can go about it and at times I get overwhelmed by it all. 

       We can either foster to adopt or we can go through an agency. If we were to go the route of fostering to adopt, we might not be able to keep the baby. There's always the possibility of reunification with the mother. I think it's wonderful when babies get reunified with their birth mother but I don't know if my tender heart could handle something like that right now. I get attached very easily and I'm not sure if I would be able to go through with something like that. The other route we can go could be very expensive. If we went through an agency it could cost us up to $50,000 at the high end. We also want to do what God wants us to do and want every step to be God ordained. Just looking at that huge cost is overwhelming to me. We have to remind ourselves daily that whatever God wants, He will provide the resources and finances we need. I say all that to show you, it's not that easy. I want to encourage those that are on this journey with us. Whether you're waiting for a divine healing from God, waiting to adopt or going through IVF; God is with you. He is faithful and if He's told you to do something, He will provide every need and every desire. Please don't let the costs or the unknown hold you back from what God has called you to do. Step out in faith and remain obedient to Him. I am praying for you and with you today. I'm believing God to provide supernaturally for your family. I'm coming in agreement, that God will answer your prayers and give you the desires of your heart. 

       Please continue to pray that God would give us guidance and that we would be obedient every step of the way. If God is leading you to donate towards our adoption, thank you! Please know that every $1 counts! God sees your sacrificial gift and He will reward you greatly. More than anything we covet your prayers! Prayers for provision, guidance, peace and rest through this process. We love you all so much and appreciate all the support you've given along the way! We will keep everyone updated as we continue this journey toward adoption. 

Donate towards our journey!

Why we decided to adopt again

      In 2009, just a year into our marriage God gave us the wonderful opportunity to adopt our son Cole. We were so full of excitement but at the same time so scared! We knew that God was calling us to adopt and decided to step out in faith and obedience. Here we are 7 years later and taking that leap of faith once again. God sure is full of lots of surprises! To be honest, I never really thought about adopting again until we were faced with the obstacle of PCOS and infertility. 
       Although we are still believing God for birth children, we just know beyond a shadow of a doubt; that this is what God has called us to do. The road of infertility hasn't been an easy one. Infertility is something you never expect to happen and neither is it something we ever want anyone else to face. It's a nightmare. It had always been our dream to have a big family and when my body wasn't able to reproduce, I felt like a failure. I felt broken and useless. My life felt meaningless. I wanted so bad for Cole to grow up with siblings and to be a big brother. 
       On October 28th I was on my way to the church when God spoke so clearly to me. He said, "What if it was my plan all along for you to adopt?" I said, "Ok God. If that's what you want, I want what you want." I was so excited to get to the church and tell Josh the good news. As soon as I asked him if he ever felt led to adopt again he said "I've always had a heart for adoption". We were both so excited!! I knew this was a God thing because I had never felt so much peace and joy in my entire life! I confronted Cole about it as well because I've always worried about him feeling less important and wanted him to be on board as well. He told us that he would love that and was so excited! He says he wants a little sister. This filled my heart with so much peace. I don't know the joy that women experience when finding out you're pregnant, but I'm pretty sure I was just as excited as a pregnant lady! haha For the next few days God kept confirming it over and over again through sermons, songs, etc. 
       To some, it may seem like we've given up on becoming pregnant but it's not like that at all. We have surrendered to the will of God. Gods plan is always greater than our own. We don't always understand what He's doing but that's where faith comes in. For years I had been seeing movies, hearing stories and having people suggest adoption. I was so opposed to it because I didn't want it to seem like I was giving up hope for pregnancy and I also wanted to experience the joys of being pregnant. It hurt and still hurts sometimes to see pregnant women but I know that no matter what, God has a plan for me. It doesn't matter whether a child has grown in your own belly or in the belly of another woman. They are still your child. God sent him to me. It is my calling to be his mother. I love Cole so much! There is no greater honor than being his mom. I feel so loved by God. Cole has helped me through so much over the years. He was there for me through all the highs and lows. There were times when I would get so sad about not being pregnant. Cole would say "Mommy, do you want a hug?" or "Mom, it will be ok". 
       For years now we've been praying about God's plan to grow our family. We looked into IVF, I took Metformin, tried different diets, natural remedies, etc. Honestly, adoption was the last thing on my mind. I wanted so bad to experience pregnancy, that I totally ignored the fact that God was calling us to adopt again. Let's just say, I was being stubborn. Stubbornness is NOT faith. When we refuse to listen to God's voice, that is stubbornness. Thank God I finally surrendered to His perfect plan. We are just as nervous as we were when we adopted Cole, but we know that God is in control. If God calls you to do something, He's not gonna leave you hanging. He's going to provide every step of the way. We are asking that you please pray for us and support us financially in any way that you are able. The adoption process is going to cost somewhere around $30,000 or more. We appreciate ya'll joining us on this exciting journey ahead! We'll keep you updated through this blog and facebook. We are doing a t-shirt campaign to raise money for the adoption. You can go to the link below and purchase a t-shirt. Thank you so much! 

Is faith what you thought it was?

       I've been pondering a lot lately on what faith is. I used to think that faith was quoting scripture over and over again until you're blue in the face. Although faith requires speaking God's word, that isn't faith. To me, faith is stepping into the unknown. Faith is trusting that God has a plan and a purpose for your life, no matter what lies ahead. Faith is obedience to the call He's placed on your life. 
       I don't know about you, but sometimes I can be stubborn. I want things now and I want them my way. Unfortunately, life isn't like Burger King and we can't have it our way. Sometimes God will show you something in your future and you automatically assume that it's going to happen tomorrow. This is not always the case. In fact, it's most likely never the case. God wants to check our motives before he answers our prayers. He also answers our prayers in ways that we don't expect and in His perfect timing. 
       Faith requires complete abandonment of self. It takes a lot of courage to step into unknown territory. To me, that's what faith is. It's when we get our eyes off of Jesus, that we tend to lose our way. When Peter began to walk on the water, he had his eyes focused on Jesus. As soon as He lost focus, he began to sink. This is what happens when our "faith" becomes about us. We lose focus on what truly matters and begin to sink in fear. Fear of being rejected by God or fear of never attaining the things that God has promised us. Our faith eventually becomes our fear. 
      What is God teaching you about faith? What does faith look like in your eyes? If God is calling you to something greater than what you had planned, don't let fear hold you back! Keep your eyes on Jesus and pursue every plan that He has for your life. Don't be stubborn like me. Submit your plans to the Lord and you WILL succeed. Ask Him what He wants from you. What is He trying to show you as you wait on the promise? Be open to what God wants to do in your life. Don't be so close minded that you completely miss out on what God wants to do. Stop trying to make things happen. Trust in Him. He will never steer you wrong. He knows what He's doing. Take that leap of faith today and step into the unknown. You never know what God could do, as you obey His call on your life. 

       

He is the pen and I am the paper

       

       

Have you ever made plans and they just didn't go the way you thought they would? I know I have. My whole life I wanted to have a big family. That was always a dream of mine. I always desired to experience the miracle of pregnancy and a big family. Even as a little girl I would day dream about finding my Prince and spending forever with him. I think almost every little girl has that dream. The thing is, God placed those dreams inside of you and it's all in His perfect plan. You wouldn't have those desires if God hadn't put them there to begin with. The thing we have to remember is that it's all in His perfect timing and it's all in His perfect plan. God has a far bigger plan for us. What we think is amazing is nothing compared to what God wants to do in us and through us. He has HUGE plans! For a long time now I've been trying to figure out that plan. God is teaching me to trust "His" plan and to stop trying to figure it all out. He's good, He's faithful and He will finish the work He began. I'm done with trying to figure everything out. He's teaching me to trust. He's teaching me that He is good, even when things don't go as planned. I don't know what you're going through or what you've been through, but I do know God is faithful. He hasn't left you, His plans haven't changed and His word never changes. He is good, even when we don't understand. He will finish the work He began in your life! 

       A few years after Cole was adopted, I desired to give him a brother or sister. I wanted so bad for him to have a sibling to grow up with. It broke my heart when I couldn't give that to him. I wanted so bad for him to experience hearing and feeling a baby kick inside my womb. I just knew deep down inside he would make an amazing big brother. I would watch him with younger children and saw how good he was with them. He had such a gentleness about him, when surrounded by younger children. Seeing other siblings together and the bond they shared, broke my heart. I longed for Cole to experience that deep bond with a younger sibling. I still hold onto that hope to this day. Has the devil tried to steal that hope? He sure did. But as God's word says, I got back up. It may not happen in the way or the timing I expect it to, but I just know it will happen. I have faith in God's faithfulness and perfect timing. 

       God has taught me over the past few months to trust the process. God knows what He's doing. He has everything thought out. HE is the author of my story, not me. He is the pen and I am the paper. He is perfect in all of His ways. Proverbs 19:21 says "You can make many plans, but the LORD's purpose will prevail." There's a chorus to a song that is dear to my heart. This song has brought me through many painful seasons. It says"Your plans are still to prosper, you have not forgotten us. You're with us in the fire and the flood. Faithful forever, perfect in love. You are Sovereign over us." God is still good, no matter the outcome. He's still the King of Kings, no matter what I face. He never changes and His word never changes. If He's promised you something, He will fulfill it. Don't give up. Will He answer it in the time you expect? Nope. Will He answer it in the ways you expect? Nope. No matter what this journey throws at you remember, He is faithful. Keep your eyes straight ahead. Don't look to the right, don't look to the left and most certainly don't look behind you. Keep your eyes upon the Lord and your faith firmly planted upon His word.