I have never felt more loved by God than I do right now. His love for me is so great! His love is unfailing and relentless. He's not once stopped pursuing me. He was there my whole life just waiting on me to surrender completely to His love. He is slowly healing every broken area of my life. He's putting the broken pieces back together again and creating something new in my life! My heart is overflowing with thankfulness. I am so in love with God! All I want to do is know Him more and live my life to please Him in every way possible. I want to pursue Him the way He has pursued me.
For the longest time I chased after the approval of the world. I chased things that never satisfied the longing in my soul. I tried to fill my broken heart up with things that only left me empty and longing for more. They satisfied for a moment but ultimately led me to shame and bondage. I wasted so much time trying to win the approval of others, when all along God had already approved of my worth and being.
God created us all with the desire to be pursued. We all want to feel loved and accepted. We all want to feel like we have a purpose in this world. We all desire to be wanted by someone. The thing we have to realize is that God's pursuit of us is enough. We don't need a man or woman to pursue us. God's love should be enough. God's thoughts toward us should be enough. What He thinks of us is far more important than what others think or say about us. He's the one that created us. He knows us, every single thing! He knows our fears, he knows our desires, he knows our needs, he knows us! The creator knows you and loves everything about you. He placed those gifts inside of you. He placed those desires and dreams inside of you. He knows your weaknesses and he knows when you feel like a failure. He knows you and yet He still chooses to love you and pursue you!
Thursday, September 14, 2017
Tuesday, September 12, 2017
The 3 gifts from God. "Life, Love and Family"
God opened my eyes recently to a new revelation. I have made the diagnosis of infertility my "god". I got so caught up in wanting more children that I forgot all about what God wanted for me. I made all of "my" plans a long time ago and I set them in stone. I didn't once stop to think about what God wanted for my life. God has already gifted me with a wonderful husband and son. I neglected those gifts and almost lost them.
That first gift is my husband. He is the spitting image of God. His love is enduring, he's patient, he's kind, he's a protector, a provider, he's humble and gentle. He puts others needs before his own, he listens, he's forgiving of even the deepest sin, and he's passionate about God and ministry. He's everything a woman could ever want or need in a husband. There are women that would give everything to have a man like him. Not only does he have all of these awesome attributes, he's also extremely handsome. His smile and laugh lights up the room. He's not afraid to be himself. He makes you laugh at his corny jokes; even though I might not always understand them. LOL He's incredibly amazing in every way! He is my rock. He is my best friend. No matter what storms may blow our way, he refuses to be shaken or moved. Forgive me Lord for neglecting such a HUGE gift in my life.
My second gift is Cole, my son. He may not have come from my womb, but he is mine. God entrusted him to me. He is my sunshine. My blue haired, passionate, opinionated, stubborn at times but also loving and giving at times; amazing son. God knew I needed him in my life and He knew Cole needed a family. Before the foundations of the world, He had this in His plans. I haven't been the best mother in the world. I got so caught up in wanting more children that I neglected my son; my gift. He craves love and attention. He gives what he craves as well. Cole has always been concerned when I was hurting. I remember times when I would curl up in the fetal position in my bed sobbing uncontrollably. Cole would ask if I was alright. Whenever he sees I'm sad, he reaches out to hug me and says "Mom, do you need a hug?". Many times due to issues from my past, I refused his hugs and pushed him away. He's always been so extremely giving to others. If he sees a need, he seeks to fulfill that need. I remember times in the past when we were struggling financially and Cole would overhear us talking. He would offer to give us what little he had to help out. No child should ever have to worry about helping financially in any way, but Cole did because he cared. He has a very compassionate and giving heart. He gets excited about giving back to God through tithes and offerings. Cole has been through more in his life than any child should ever have to go through. He's lost a lot in his 12 years of life. He was placed with his Aunt when he was around 2 years old because his biological mother wasn't able to take care of him. After being placed with his Aunt, we were confronted about taking him in and raising him as our own. We jumped on the chance to be able to help a child in need and had always considered adoption as a part of God's plan for us. It's been a wild ride with him. He brings so much energy to our lives; sometimes draining the little energy we have left from this crazy world we live in. I wouldn't trade Cole for anything in this world. He is one of many angels in my life.
Father, forgive me for neglecting the gift of family. Forgive me for neglecting their love. You have shown me more love and grace through them, than I've ever deserved to experience in my life. Forgive me for not being the Mom and Wife that you've called me to be. Forgive me for placing my needs before theirs. I will never neglect these precious gifts another day in my life. I vow right now to be all you have called me to be. I vow to stand up and be the woman of God you have always destined me to be. I vow to love them deeply; to be patient and kind with them. I vow to put their needs before mine and to make my home a place of refuge and restoration. I vow to seek your will first in ALL things. If it's your will for me to be a mom to just Cole, I vow to be that. If it's in your will for me to have a career in something, I will follow your voice. Wherever you lead me, I will follow. Show me your will Lord.
I have missed out on 9, almost 10 years of blessings that were right in front of me the whole time. There is so much that I regret but I know that God would want me to move forward; forgetting what is behind and pressing toward the goal of heaven. Thank you Lord for loving me all these years and using my family to show me grace and mercy. Keep my eyes and heart focused on you God. Keep my ears in tune to your voice. Create in me a clean heart and help me to walk in newness of life everyday of my life. Restore what the enemy stole from me over the last 9 years. Revive the passions that once lived and thrived in my life. Anoint me with your Holy Spirit and set me on fire for you. Give me a hunger for your word, a longing for your presence and a heart for lost souls. Thank you for the gift of life, love and family!
That first gift is my husband. He is the spitting image of God. His love is enduring, he's patient, he's kind, he's a protector, a provider, he's humble and gentle. He puts others needs before his own, he listens, he's forgiving of even the deepest sin, and he's passionate about God and ministry. He's everything a woman could ever want or need in a husband. There are women that would give everything to have a man like him. Not only does he have all of these awesome attributes, he's also extremely handsome. His smile and laugh lights up the room. He's not afraid to be himself. He makes you laugh at his corny jokes; even though I might not always understand them. LOL He's incredibly amazing in every way! He is my rock. He is my best friend. No matter what storms may blow our way, he refuses to be shaken or moved. Forgive me Lord for neglecting such a HUGE gift in my life.
My second gift is Cole, my son. He may not have come from my womb, but he is mine. God entrusted him to me. He is my sunshine. My blue haired, passionate, opinionated, stubborn at times but also loving and giving at times; amazing son. God knew I needed him in my life and He knew Cole needed a family. Before the foundations of the world, He had this in His plans. I haven't been the best mother in the world. I got so caught up in wanting more children that I neglected my son; my gift. He craves love and attention. He gives what he craves as well. Cole has always been concerned when I was hurting. I remember times when I would curl up in the fetal position in my bed sobbing uncontrollably. Cole would ask if I was alright. Whenever he sees I'm sad, he reaches out to hug me and says "Mom, do you need a hug?". Many times due to issues from my past, I refused his hugs and pushed him away. He's always been so extremely giving to others. If he sees a need, he seeks to fulfill that need. I remember times in the past when we were struggling financially and Cole would overhear us talking. He would offer to give us what little he had to help out. No child should ever have to worry about helping financially in any way, but Cole did because he cared. He has a very compassionate and giving heart. He gets excited about giving back to God through tithes and offerings. Cole has been through more in his life than any child should ever have to go through. He's lost a lot in his 12 years of life. He was placed with his Aunt when he was around 2 years old because his biological mother wasn't able to take care of him. After being placed with his Aunt, we were confronted about taking him in and raising him as our own. We jumped on the chance to be able to help a child in need and had always considered adoption as a part of God's plan for us. It's been a wild ride with him. He brings so much energy to our lives; sometimes draining the little energy we have left from this crazy world we live in. I wouldn't trade Cole for anything in this world. He is one of many angels in my life.
Father, forgive me for neglecting the gift of family. Forgive me for neglecting their love. You have shown me more love and grace through them, than I've ever deserved to experience in my life. Forgive me for not being the Mom and Wife that you've called me to be. Forgive me for placing my needs before theirs. I will never neglect these precious gifts another day in my life. I vow right now to be all you have called me to be. I vow to stand up and be the woman of God you have always destined me to be. I vow to love them deeply; to be patient and kind with them. I vow to put their needs before mine and to make my home a place of refuge and restoration. I vow to seek your will first in ALL things. If it's your will for me to be a mom to just Cole, I vow to be that. If it's in your will for me to have a career in something, I will follow your voice. Wherever you lead me, I will follow. Show me your will Lord.
I have missed out on 9, almost 10 years of blessings that were right in front of me the whole time. There is so much that I regret but I know that God would want me to move forward; forgetting what is behind and pressing toward the goal of heaven. Thank you Lord for loving me all these years and using my family to show me grace and mercy. Keep my eyes and heart focused on you God. Keep my ears in tune to your voice. Create in me a clean heart and help me to walk in newness of life everyday of my life. Restore what the enemy stole from me over the last 9 years. Revive the passions that once lived and thrived in my life. Anoint me with your Holy Spirit and set me on fire for you. Give me a hunger for your word, a longing for your presence and a heart for lost souls. Thank you for the gift of life, love and family!
Monday, February 20, 2017
ROAR with Resilience!!
To be honest, right now I'm very very broken within. On the outside I'm smiling through the tears deep within. I don't know how much more my fragile heart can take. Usually I do fairly well with this road of infertility. This month and a few months ago was very different. You may be asking, what makes it so different from all the other months? Well, I went without my cycle for 8 days. My body mimicking almost all symptoms of pregnancy. I got kind of excited for a few days. I was hopeful. I thought to myself, maybe just maybe this month was the month for our miracle. Only to wind up disappointed as I started my first day. All that's within me screams "Give up!!" but then there's that still small voice that encourages me to move forward and keep hoping. On Friday when I had gone 5 days late I broke down and screamed at God. "I can't do this anymore!!" I can't stand being tortured anymore and teased by the devil. Every time, I tell myself that it will get easier but it never does. Infertility never gets easier to face but my faith does get stronger. I know who God is and what He is capable of. He's the God of miracles. He's the God of the impossible! Life in and of itself is a miracle. The fact that I am living and breathing is a miracle. If you've never experienced infertility, you wouldn't understand the picture above. That picture is a perfect example of what we face each passing month. There were months where I've found myself curled up in the fetal position yelling at God. Times when I would shut everyone out. Times of pleading with God. Begging Him to give me what He had promised us. Times of jealousy and anger toward other pregnant women. Times where I couldn't even stand to be around a pregnant woman or see them out in public. Times where I spent days laying in my bed sobbing from the grief of another negative pregnancy test. And then there were times where I accepted Gods timing and have been at peace with Him. It's an emotional rollercoaster that's for sure. Just when you decide you're ok with His plan, you get shook to the core once again. I always tells myself that I'm not sure how much more I can take. Yet, I still get up and keep trying. That's what Faith is. Faith is resilient. Faith doesn't dig a grave, throw itself in it and bury it. Faith keeps rising above the powerful waves crashing all around. Faith picks itself back up again and moves forward.
So, to the couple still struggling with infertility. Don't let it define who you are. Just because you struggle with something, doesn't mean you have to take ownership of it. You are NOT infertile. You are NOT a failure. You are NOT going to give up! You WILL see the goodness of God in the land of the living. You WILL overcome infertility. You ARE fertile in Jesus name! You ARE blessed in your womb. Never give up and never back down! Rise up mighty warrior and ROAR! You are powerful and the power that lies within you is powerful over the enemy of infertility! You WILL overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the words of your testimony. Keep fighting mighty warrior!
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