To be honest, right now I'm very very broken within. On the outside I'm smiling through the tears deep within. I don't know how much more my fragile heart can take. Usually I do fairly well with this road of infertility. This month and a few months ago was very different. You may be asking, what makes it so different from all the other months? Well, I went without my cycle for 8 days. My body mimicking almost all symptoms of pregnancy. I got kind of excited for a few days. I was hopeful. I thought to myself, maybe just maybe this month was the month for our miracle. Only to wind up disappointed as I started my first day. All that's within me screams "Give up!!" but then there's that still small voice that encourages me to move forward and keep hoping. On Friday when I had gone 5 days late I broke down and screamed at God. "I can't do this anymore!!" I can't stand being tortured anymore and teased by the devil. Every time, I tell myself that it will get easier but it never does. Infertility never gets easier to face but my faith does get stronger. I know who God is and what He is capable of. He's the God of miracles. He's the God of the impossible! Life in and of itself is a miracle. The fact that I am living and breathing is a miracle. If you've never experienced infertility, you wouldn't understand the picture above. That picture is a perfect example of what we face each passing month. There were months where I've found myself curled up in the fetal position yelling at God. Times when I would shut everyone out. Times of pleading with God. Begging Him to give me what He had promised us. Times of jealousy and anger toward other pregnant women. Times where I couldn't even stand to be around a pregnant woman or see them out in public. Times where I spent days laying in my bed sobbing from the grief of another negative pregnancy test. And then there were times where I accepted Gods timing and have been at peace with Him. It's an emotional rollercoaster that's for sure. Just when you decide you're ok with His plan, you get shook to the core once again. I always tells myself that I'm not sure how much more I can take. Yet, I still get up and keep trying. That's what Faith is. Faith is resilient. Faith doesn't dig a grave, throw itself in it and bury it. Faith keeps rising above the powerful waves crashing all around. Faith picks itself back up again and moves forward.
So, to the couple still struggling with infertility. Don't let it define who you are. Just because you struggle with something, doesn't mean you have to take ownership of it. You are NOT infertile. You are NOT a failure. You are NOT going to give up! You WILL see the goodness of God in the land of the living. You WILL overcome infertility. You ARE fertile in Jesus name! You ARE blessed in your womb. Never give up and never back down! Rise up mighty warrior and ROAR! You are powerful and the power that lies within you is powerful over the enemy of infertility! You WILL overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the words of your testimony. Keep fighting mighty warrior!
